I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
