How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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