Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
