Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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