Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
