6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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