I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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