does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
His nipple licking is glorious
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