so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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