I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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