so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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