You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
