Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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