i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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