she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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