I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
