ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
