didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
