Can i not drive my cunt home
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
