My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
