Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I need a beard to bite.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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