if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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