he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
