He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
