I can tuck mytits in my pants
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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