Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
