I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
