if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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