My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
