I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
