my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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