Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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