Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Who died my cat blue again?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
