you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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