Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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