i already hear my dad disowning me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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