She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
