That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
