I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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