Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
