bring money and cleavage
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
