I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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