I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
