you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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