Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
