I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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