he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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