Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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