i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
