This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
