id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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