Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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