I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
