And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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