Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
