I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I skipped work to stalk him.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
